How to know if your partner is Not Quite the one

good morning!

I spend a lot of time helping people spot red flags, often early on in the relationship. But what about folks who are in reasonably happy relationships? Maybe it’s pretty good, but something is keeping you from making a bigger commitment. Maybe things are not bad, but does that mean they’re good? If you’ve ever thought “this is nice, but is this really the best relationship? Here are some possible flags to ask your self about. I have included some personal examples of these.

• If you tell them a real dream you have for your relationship’s future, how do they respond?

  • many years ago I was talking to a partner and shyly brought up how I hoped we would pick a large city one day. I wanted us to buy a house somewhere big and liberal and I wanted to put down roots. Live there for 10 or even 30 years. My partner reacted badly and was hurt that I didn’t want to move every few years to support their career.

• What would your partner think about a song, book, or movie that makes you think of this relationship? is it tragic or sad or angry?

  • A partner once asked me what I thought “our song“ would be. The honest answer that came to mind was Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade. This may seem sweet until you remember the opening line is “the best thing about tonight is we’re not fighting” Embarassed, I lied and picked a Taylor Swift song. But, looking back, the best thing about that conversation is that we weren’t fighting(for once).
    

• If nothing about this person you’re dating changed for the rest of their life, would you still want to spend it with them?

  • This one is rough. I spent a lot of my 20s dating people who “had potential“. The problem was, I was counting on them to make the same choices I would if I were them. Not the choices they made because they are them. When an ex and I had a big fight about how they quit their 4th job because “the vibe wasn’t right” even though I was not hardly able to support both of us financially, I realized that I would have picked something, anything, and stuck with it long enough to improve our situation. I was hurt and angry that they weren’t prioritizing stability and safety the way I would. It took me longer than I’m proud of to give up on the dream that they would wake up and suddenly make the choices I wanted them to make.

• when you imagine big moments in your future like weddings, births, moving homes, big purchases, religious events, or professional milestones would your partner respond the way you want to that goal?

  • As many of you know, I have been engaged before, but have never actually made it down the aisle. I remember a conversation with my ex-fiancé where I knew what I imagined for our wedding, but I repeatedly shifted and minimized what I said because I knew they would react badly to what I actually wanted. I wound up planning a much different event where everything from the venue, to the color scheme, to the music was not what I really wanted. What a relief that we broke up!

• Do you like the things about yourself that they like about you?

  • This one is a bit subtle. But whatever they like about you is what you will end up focusing on, or increasing about yourself. I once dated a rather serious, philosophical person. I resonated with them intellectually, but about a year in, I realized we never laughed together. And what’s worse, I realized it was my fault! While this partner was a literary match for me, I found their humor annoying. It grated on me. I didn’t like their laugh, or the kinds of jokes they made. I rarely laughed when they made jokes, and I would roll my eyes and groan. I had inadvertently conditioned them to not laugh or joke around with me. It got so bad that while laughing with a friend I realized I missed silliness so much that I cried. I don’t know where that ex is now, but I hope they found someone who loves their intellect and their humor.

• Do they have little things that give you “the ick“?

  • This one can seem petty, but I don’t believe it actually is. I didn’t like a partner’s hands (they weirdly reminded me of a relative) despite them being an otherwise attractive person. But over time I realized I didn’t want to hold their hand, or have their hands touching or grabbing me. It dampened our physical relationship and I felt like a jerk.

  • Another time, on a second date, I noticed that a partner held their spoon the way a toddler does (in their whole fist). It felt uncouth and childish to me, but I thought I was being picky and ridiculous. However, over the next several dates I started comparing this partner to a child, foolish, shortsighted and thoughtless. Two months in I realized the spoon had actually become a symbol of how much I resented their immaturity; every time we ate together I stewed over their childish behavior. I broke up with them because they couldn’t think ahead or stick to a plan. If I had followed my gut on that second date about the spoon, I would have saved both of us a lot of time.

There are many people who are good people, even good partners, but maybe not the right partner for you. Another way to think about this is if they really knew what you thought about them, would you respect them if they stayed?

That last example about the spoon, if they heard all the snarky, disgusted things I thought about their behavior and choices, I would have definitely lost respect for them if they stayed with me. How could they stay with someone who criticized them every time they were late, who was chronically disappointed with their efforts? We both deserved better. I deserve to have a partner I respect, and they deserved to be respected.

You deserve that too.

-Ren