Dealing with jealousy
Feeling jealousy can be really unsettling. Whether you monogamous and your feeling jealous of the time your partner spends with their work-friends, or you’re polyamorous and you feel jealous of the attention your partner’s partner (your meta) is getting.
No matter your relationship configuration, jealousy happens. Maybe you’re jealous of the pets, or the kids, or of how dedicated your partner is to a specific hobby. The important point here is this: jealousy is just a feeling like any other feeling.
If you are feeling jealous, or envious, or possessive (feelings that often come bundled together) in your relationship, it does not make you a bad partner. In the same way if you get sad about a relationship issue, it doesn’t make you a bad partner. What you do about the feeling is the vital part.
When we feel jealous the desire to pull away and play “sour grapes“ (pretending you don’t care), and ice you partner out is called stonewalling. This is often an attempt to either have more power (the “less interested“ partner often has more relationship power) and/or punish the partner or prove something.
Another common reaction is to become the “squeaky wheel“ (act out to get attention). this often grabs your partner’s attention, and may even feel like its working briefly. but clamoring for attention is stressful and exhausting for everyone. also the attention you get is out of obligation, not joyfully given.
A healthier option is to sit down with yourself and journal, talk to a friend of therapist or otherwise process and figure out what is missing or messed up that is making you feel jealous. Most commonly jealousy comes from feeling FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out) or from feeling left out or neglected by a partner. Sometimes our sense of "justice” or “fair play“ can become triggered. (e.g. your partner went out to dinner three times this week, and you haven’t gone out at all)
Once you understand what the jealousy is trying to point out, then you can go to your partner and ask them to sit down with you and find a solution. Often time and energy, which are some of our most limited resources, are the culprit. Calmly explaining what is it you want from your partner can help them see your point of view. Speak from your point of view, and focus on “I statements“. Here is an example:
blaming: “you have worked late every night this week and I haven’t gotten any time with you! its like you think money is more important than me!“
whining: “you never spend time with me! i am alone every single night.“
Stonewalling: “Since you’re just so busy, I am going to make plans with other people. see how you like being left alone!“
healthy: “I am feeling disconnected. I would like to discuss ways we can spend more time together soon.”
Focusing on what you are feeling and asking for them to help you is much more likely to get you what you want. Consider thinking about jealousy as a little warning light, flashing to let you know something is wrong. You can thank the jealousy for warning you, but it doesn’t get to control you.
Ren Reed
