Thoughts on getting broken up with
Good morning everyone!
Getting dumped sucks. It’s a big rejection from someone you trusted. We often tell ourselves a lot of very negative myths about ourselves and relationships. While we cannot always stop that negative self-talk, we can at least combat them with more neutral or positive stories. Telling ourselves that the negative stories are stupid invalidates our own pain and experience. Telling ourselves that everything is going to be amazing and our fairytale ending is just around the corner feels fake and hollow. Here are some more moderately positive or neutral responses, that may help counteract the negative reactions.
negative myth: Since they left, I will never find another love like that
positive: relationships are like seashells. You may have found a rare one, but if you keep walking the beach and looking you will find all kinds of unique and beautiful things. Every seashell is different, but there are thousands on any given beach. If you keep looking, you might find one that fits in your hand even better than the last one.
Negative myth: Something must be wrong with me, I must be unloveable or unworthy.
Positive: think about every single kind of car your can think of. Or every variety of music. Or different flavors of ice cream. I am sure there are a few that are your favorites, and a whole bunch that are fine, but forgettable. But then some where you shake your head and think “who the hell would want that?“ yet in a capitalistic market, we know that products get made because people buy them. I am a showtunes and chocolate oreo person. But somewhere out there is a ska and pistachio person. or a strictly jeep and strawberry only person. Or even a butter pecan, country singing, tesla lover. there are so many combinations and so many people that thinking you don’t align with even one other person is a myth. It make take some looking, but your flavor is out there.
negative myth: It’s all my fault and they were right to leave me.
Positive: Even if you were showing your worst colors in a relationship, it takes a storm of both (or all) partners to make a mess. Think about a time where you were behaving poorly. Maybe you were yelling at them, or maybe you shut down. Did they respond with perfect compassion, rationality, and regulated responses? Probably not. What is more likely is that you each triggered each other’s trauma, insecurities, or fears. If you yelled, it’s probably because you were not feeling heard. If you shut down, it’s probably because you felt overloaded. Your ex had a hand in building those in you. Neither of you are perfect. Learn from those negative behaviors and do better next time. Also, these big negative reactions you had are probably giving you information about your trauma and weaknesses. If I shut down in a conversation, I know now that it’s because I feel defeated and begin to think that my feelings are the problem and I should “just shut up”. I’ve learned better since then, and I will pause the conversation and ask to address feeling invalidated by them before resuming the conversation.
You will make mistakes in your relationships. I have never met anyone who was a perfect angel in their relationship. closeness and intimacy are good but messy because of how vulnerable we have to be to be close. Let yourself feel negatively, but remember that this too will pass.
It may help to “throw a tantrum” or have a “pity party”. After a big issue I will sometimes go into my room and lay on my bed. i will kick my feet and scream into the pillow and throw classic 2-year-old tantrum. Or I will set aside an evening for a pity party. I’ll pick a sappy rom-com, get all the junk food I can eat, and cry and eat on the couch for a night. By “scheduling” these you can be more empowered about processing your feelings. For a really rough issue, sometimes it takes a week of scheduled private tantrums or pity parties, but eventually I feel ready to face whatever is in front of me.
-Ren
