Forgiving your partner

We all know that none of us are perfect, and even with the best intentions we will eventually do something selfish, thoughtless, or mean. As my favorite quote from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry says:

“Of course I'll hurt you. Of course you'll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence"

This kind of hurt is a part of the human experience. This is different than abusive, vengeful, or purposeful hurt. (which may not be appropriate to forgive or continue a relationship) Just by being silly, flawed humans we sometimes forget something important, or leave someone out without thinking. Sometimes your partner may say something that comes out wrong or comment hurtfully on a sensitive piece of trauma they may not have even known about. These kind of moments are when they have to stop and apologize just as soon as they realize they hurt us.

If the surprise is genuine, and they apologize, it can be hard to let go if we were hurt. even though the hurt was accidental, the pain was real. Listening to your partners apology and accepting it can be hard. a good apology should have a few defining features:

1. the apologizing partner should initiate offering the apology.

2. the apologizer will name or list what it was that hurt you (proving they know what they did)

3. the apologizer will explain why/how the thing hurt you (proving they understand what about it was painful)

4. The apologizer will discuss what they will do to prevent this from happening again (showing action to reduce future hurt)

Most of us don’t get all four exactly every time we apologize, and depending on the situation not all four may be wholly applicable. when we are struggling to forgive a partner, sometime we struggle to forgive because we do not entirely trust that they really are sorry or that it really was an accident. Working on trust and promoting positive regard throughout your relationship can increase your trust and belief in your partner when they do mess up.

Another way to to think about this is this: if you really thought that your partner was out to hurt you, would you want to stay in the relationship? If you believe that your partner really doesn’t have your best interest at heart, then it may be time to re-evaluate the relationship. However, if you do believe that they genuinely care and want what’s best for you, then trust in that and forgive them.

Now some of us, after a painful incident, feel unsure if we believe. In this case, it can be wise to forgive, but not forget. log it away in your brain and compare it to the next several (not just a few) interactions. If they repeat the offence, or similar offences, then it may be time to lower your trust in them. (at least with that specific issue, or maybe even with the whole relationship). Yet, if after 6 or 8 weeks the issue hasn’t arisen, and they have said and done postive things, promoting the relationship and promoting trust, then let the incident go with joy and move forward with the knowledge that it really was just a mistake.

Ren