Supporting a loved one’s grief
End of life
When loved ones are coping with the loss of a partner, it can be difficult to know what to say. The death of a loved one can be one of the hardest things people go through. Often the common phrases or sayings to comfort bereaved people fall short of any actual comfort. Giving the loved one space before responding may help them and can reduce the chance of saying something trite. They may be processing at a different speed than usual, and letting more silence happen than usual may be helpful.
Cultural Grieving Processes
Different families and cultures have a wide variety of beliefs and expectations around death and grieving. Symbols of death vary widely, significant colors vary, including black, red, purple and white. Flowers are a common gift and symbol, yet none of these are universal. Let your loved one be the expert on their cultural grieving process. Follow their lead and ask respectful, open ended questions if you need guidance on what is appropriate.
Existential Crisis
For many loved ones grieving a death, existential and religious questions are a big concern. While we know from a young age that everyone will eventually die, being faced with mortal reality is a philosophical blow. your loved one’s worldview may shift or be questioned in new ways. Concerns about an afterlife may arise. Holding space for them to question what they believe without adding to feelings of instability or insecurity is vital. Their formative or foundational beliefs may suddenly not feel so secure. Encourage them to journal about this process, or seek education on these topics.
“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” ― Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid
Skills to Help Them
Experiential and artistic experiences can support your loved one’s grieving process. Encourage them to engage with their feelings through their body or an artistic medium. For many people, they can feel stuck in their grief, expressing it through these concrete outlets can help shift the edges of the grief or allow them to feel differently.
Remaining family- help your loved one set boundaries and ask for help from remaining family and friends. Encourage them to be specific about the kinds of assistance and space they may need.
Advice- Your loved one may receive all kinds of wanted and unwanted advice and platitudes from well-meaning friends and family. Working on communication skills about how to turn down advice or unwanted conversations can empower your loved one to have control over how much they hear from others.
Community involvement- Expect that your loved one may vacillate between needing community and connection and wanting to isolate. Setting up routines and boundaries to keep these phases moderate and empower your loved one to seek connection and to take space as is supportive of their process, which may or may not be what they feel like in the moment. Encourage peer support and group therapy where they may find hope and validation from peers, as well as individual therapy.
Experiencing death- Your loved one may have powerful feelings about the passing of their partner, about the post-death ceremonies, and about what was done with the remains. They may have distress around these experiences and the decisions they made. Validation and compassion are useful skills here, focusing on the client’s self-compassion may ease the anger or upset they experience.
References:
Ahaddour, C., Van den Branden, S., & Broeckaert, B. (2017). Purification of body and soul for the next
journey. Practices surrounding death and dying among Muslim women. Omega: Journal of
Death & Dying, 76(2), 169–200.
Black, H. K., & Rubinstein, R. L. (2013). A death in the family: Death as a Zen concept. International
Journal of Aging and Human Development, 76(1), 79–97.
Hendrickson, Z. M., Kim, J., Tol, W. A., Shrestha, A., Kafle, H. M., Luitel, N. P., … Surkan, P. J. (2018).
Resilience among Nepali widows after the death of a spouse: “That was my past and now I
have to see my present.” Qualitative Health Research, 28(3), 466–478.
Peterson, N. L., & Goldberg, R. M. (2016). Creating relationship trees with grieving clients: An
experiential approach to grief counseling. Journal of Creativity in Mental Health, 11(2), 198.
Snicket, L. (2000). Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid. Scholastic.
Taylor, N. C., & Robinson, W. D. (2016). The lived experience of young widows and widowers. American
Journal of Family Therapy, 44(2), 67–79.
